Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
