Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
