So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
