Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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