new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
