I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
