Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
BRING THE BAGELS
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
