Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
