At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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