Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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