oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
