Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
