Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
He passed out mid-signature
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Found the puke drawer
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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