Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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