the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
