At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Send help, water and tortillas.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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