Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
