Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
