i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
