There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
