South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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