apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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