So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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