I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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