so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
