I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
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I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
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Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
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