she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
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he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
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REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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