If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
