Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
