Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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