Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
