Church boner. Awkwardddd
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
