Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
