my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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