please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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