I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
