I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
