My hand turned me down
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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