You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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