Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Randomize
