I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
