i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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