he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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