Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
