Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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