meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize