as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
