they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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