My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
