Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Randomize
