Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
