i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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