hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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