I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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