just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
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I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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