My Higher Power is John Stamos
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
