I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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