i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
