you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Randomize
