Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
